Ayeisha Raquel
Image: Hannah Faith Oni
Pictured: Singer / Songwriter Ayeisha Raquel
My legs have taken me all over Stratford. Pacing with frozen fingertips to roll my tobacco and numb thumbs at the ready to tap words into my notes. Whatever the weather: when home no longer feels like home, when the voices in my head are all speaking at once, when the silence becomes unbearable and the mask becomes unwearable, I will write.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been highly sensitive. I champion the ‘crybaby’ label with pride, but it took me a long time to accept it. I realised I was depressed when I was 13 years old and tried my very best to deal with it on my own, shutting out friends and family and pretending I was perfectly fine on a daily basis. This created patterns of behaviour that caused me to treat my depression as a secret because I didn’t want anyone to know that part of me. I wanted to be strong and self-sufficient. However, I began to suffer academically, developed unhealthy coping mechanisms as distractions, and I simply just couldn’t stop crying. So naturally, people began to notice and my secret was no longer a secret. By 16, I decided to dedicate time to writing my thoughts in a diary; I was always a writer, but I wanted to exercise my skills at the same time. This is when I found my writing style.
There were things I would write that I had never said out loud. Poetic expressions of pain, isolation, hopelessness, grief, rage. And so I took those parts of my diary entries and turned them into lyrics. One of the earliest examples of this was my second SoundCloud release, ‘Uncomfortable’, the first song I had ever released outlining my experience of depression and anxiety.
“My family don’t understand most of the time,
Hiding the scars on my legs every night,
Rejecting intimacy and I don’t know why,
I don’t know why you try.
You can leave me to die,
I’m already dead inside”
Image: Hannah Faith Oni
Pictured: Ayeisha with Fringed Tulips. These are a cultivar group known for their bright colours and petals as the petals have a uniquely serrated or "fringed" look. Native to Central Asia and Turkey, they can be seen to bloom in late spring. They have high cultural significance and usually used as a symbol of happiness, perfect and deep love.
At the time of releasing Uncomfortable, I never expected it to receive any kind of attention - but it did. As a result, it inspired so many people to address the feelings they, too, were trying to contain. I felt less alone knowing that we all have parts of ourselves that we want to hide out of fear of not being enough, and I took it as a sign to continue being open and brutally honest in my music. I believe it’s my calling.
To this day, I still struggle to get myself out of bed. I have doubts about myself while trying to follow my purpose. But it is because of music that I’m able to connect with people; I’ve met people that have changed my life for good, taught me lessons I’ll never forget. People that heard my voice and felt seen. I realise that people are all we’ve got, and all those things were possible because I learnt & chose to open my heart and mouth to tell my truth through the art-form of music.