Richard Fajemisin
Image: Hannah Faith Oni
Pictured: Designer / Producer Richard Fajemisin
Control. Without knowing, it has played such a divisive role in my life. Growing up, I remember always wanting to do most things by myself and get the answer to most things by myself. Looking back, I realised that I might have always wanted to do things myself because I often did not get the answers to the questions my brain would conjure, or I had to rely on someone else's help to achieve my goals. When I could not achieve them after several attempts to gain their help, it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Even when some impactful events occurred in my life, they only ever pushed me towards the idea that "I need to do things on my own" or that "I can only rely on myself". If I could not get the answer to something I would drop it and forget about it. Not being able to do something I wanted to do would bother me for days on end until I would give up. At that time, I did not realise it, but I now understand that I was struggling with a lack of control over many aspects of my life, and it caused me to withdraw and retreat inward.
At the time, the best way I found to deal with my newfound issue (for better or for worse) was to bury myself in the things I loved - Music, Games and Anime. I spent the majority of my time when I was not in school trying to distract myself with repetitive video games and anime (which was perfect for transporting me to a completely different world compared to the one I was currently in), and even more than that, using music to block out the world.
Music was the great escape. It allowed me to explore a creative side of myself and freely obsess over something I felt no one could take away from me. I would listen to all sorts of music and then try to imitate it in Fruity loops (now known as FL Studio); whilst playing a video game, I would mute the game soundtrack and would make soundtracks for those games just because; and I would also spend a lot of time learning about the art form of beat making. If I think about it, it was probably the first time in a while that I was proactive and in control of something.
Although that trifecta of escapism worked briefly, it was not the best solution. It was essentially the equivalent of sticking my head in the sand so that all my problems would seemingly go away, but there were still things I had to deal with. I still had to go to school, college and university, and I still had to manage relationships with family and friends. Each of these came decisions that ultimately I would waive off as though I had no control over the matter. I carried around a weird frame of mind, as though I only needed to go through the motions of life. I used to think that "whatever will happen, will happen", but not in a free-spirited way. This frame of mind had such an effect that it even skewed my perception of what I thought my parents wanted from me. I remember vividly choosing my options for college and thinking I should not do certain subjects as it would result in a huge disappointment. Later, I found out I had complete and total control over that particular decision. I pretty much created this pressure and anxiousness, which resulted in me screwing myself out of doing something I wanted to do. I was so in my head about it. That was the moment when I realised that there was something wrong with the way I was thinking about everything.
Image: Hannah Faith Oni
Pictured: Richard Fajemisin with Icelandic Poppies (Papaver nudicaule). A perennial plant known for their large papery petals and tall, leafless stems. Despite its name, it is native to sub-arctic Asia and North America and can be seen to bloom in early Spring through to Summer. Poppies are well known to be a symbol of peace, sleep, eternal life and commemoration.
Once I had picked my subjects for college, my main focus was on becoming an Architect. One of the subjects I tried to get into was Physics. After receiving my results, I found that I was definitely not physics student material. Instead, I chose Psychology as my placeholder. At the time, I wanted to understand other people better, but somewhere deep down inside I probably wanted to understand myself and those closest to me even more. During classes, I would marvel at the explanations surrounding human behaviour, even constantly taking a backseat in group settings and observing people's behaviours in different settings. Whilst it was an interesting time, I can see now that all I was trying to do was to better understand the people around me so that I could manoeuvre some social situations with - you guessed it - more control.
Not long after my first year of college, I remember coming across a book by Jules Evans - Philosophy for Life. For the first time in my life, I came across some words that have stuck with me until this day. To rephrase it:
“There is no point in panicking over aspects of a situation that is not in our control, and it makes a lot more sense to focus on what you can control.”
In the book, a flight surgeon named Rhonda Cornum was on a mission to rescue a fighter pilot who had been shot down in the first Gulf War in 1991. Her helicopter was shot down and crashed. Five of the eight crew members were killed instantly, and Rhonda, who was severely injured was eventually captured as a prisoner of war. She suffered many things during her capture, but one thing she would not surrender was her mind. Evans explained this: "Her recognition that there is simply no point in panicking over aspects of her situation that were out of her control and that it made a lot more sense to focus on what she could control”. When I came across this, I felt what I can only describe as ‘Clarity’ wash over me, I realised that everything I had ever silently stressed out about was always things I could never control in the first place and even when I could I was so blind to it and was making myself miserable. It was not immediate, but slowly and with practice I began catching myself every time I would resign to my old behaviours.
Nowadays, I think my problems back then could have been resolved if I were a little less directionless. I don't expect every 16-20 year old to fully know what they want from their lives, but now I think most people need a set of guiding principles for their lives, a set of personal beliefs/statements that you would want to abide by. Consider it as the backbone for the reason you would take action for anything related to yourself. It would allow people to live easier and be more proactive with the things within their own control. For me, it reduces most forms of anxiousness I feel whenever I hesitate about making a decision. And because it allows me to focus more on the things I can control, I spend FAR less time concerned about the things I cannot control.