Emma Lou

Image: Hannah Faith Oni

Pictured: DJ, Educator; Emma .

This piece hasn’t been the easiest to write. It’s difficult to be vulnerable, difficult to articulate 1000 thoughts jumbled up in my head, but here it goes..

I always knew a creative spirit existed within me; I loved music too much, got lost in it too much, supported and enjoyed all of my friends musical ventures with such passion and formed so many of my core memories attached to certain songs, albums or artists. It just didn’t make sense for me not to have some sort of creative and more specifically, musical expression within me.

But if I’m completely honest, I think my mental health is always something that held me back from tapping into my creativity.

I find it hard to say the words out loud. Such stigma attached to them. So easily flung around in daily conversation. But so deeply rooted and resonating within me. Depression. Anxiety. The day I heard the GP utter the words, everything suddenly clicked. Years of unexplainable unhappiness, rage, hopelessness and numbness all explained in a second.

My creative exploration initially manifested in singing, backing vocals to be specific.. simply supporting a friend.. never front and centre, that was something I never felt comfortable with.

So my journey into DJ’ing is one that has been so liberating but ironically so out of character for me.

I’ve always sat in a very negative headspace; it’s one of my best and worst traits. How can being negative be a positive you ask? It allows me to be realistic, always, but that same reason is also a hindrance…

Always second guessing, always doubting, never 100% comfortable, never 100% sure.

“It’s only when I began to deal with that, that my voyage into everything I’m tapped into now began”.

Image: Hannah Faith Oni

(Emma Lou pictured with Crimson Spice Chrysanthemums. Not just a beautiful flower, Chrysanthemums are used for various health benefits. They carry varied meanings across different cultures in the world, but with a general symbolism of optimism, truth, loyalty and joy).

My creativity as it pertains to music provides a sense of escapism, a sense of freedom. Creating invigorates me, gives me purpose.. inspiration.

Sometimes hitting the studio after a day of work is just the release that I need. But on the flip side?

Isolation. Another one of those double edged swords. Locking myself away, allowing space to be my most proactive in my creativity and come up with 1000 new ideas, but in the same breath to overthink to the point of imposter syndrome and ultimately procrastination. You would laugh seeing the amount of unused ideas just sitting in my notes…

Despite that, DJ’ing has allowed me to find confidence in a social situation that ultimately should cripple me.. curating my sets, deciding mixes on the fly, looking out and seeing people enjoy it all, providing that little piece of joy for an hour or so is a feeling that fulfills me in a way I can’t really put into words.

The community of DJs I’ve managed to connect with has also had a huge impact on me, there’s no ego, no competition, just unity, all love, a family of sorts. Everybody just wants everybody to win. And in situations where I would ordinarily crumble, I feel calm. Safe.    

DJ’ing is an art with the scope for so many things to go right but so many things to go wrong. The slip of a hand, the press of a wrong button, wrong timing and POOF, the crowd is taken out of a moment. With that whole negative thinking thing? One mistake can sit with me for days, weeks, months- what ifs galore.

But my journey has taught me to begin to fight those intrusive thoughts, that social anxiety and that imposter syndrome with everything in me, because had I listened to them? I wouldn’t have been offered half the opportunities I have been up until this point. I wouldn’t be in the spaces I’ve been in; made the connections I’ve made, know the people I know. But not to dwell, not to ruminate? That cycle is a difficult one to get out of, The key? Making a real conscious effort to try and correct the thinking before the spiralling occurs. It’s a daily challenge.

Navigating in the creative space with these feelings lurking is difficult to say the least, but being able to have that creative outlet is a blessing.

What do I want people to take from this?

My mental health is something I’ve somewhat always wanted to discuss out loud and its taken years to even get to that point. A part of me wanting to take comfort in knowing I’m not the only one, a part of me wanting people to understand me and the way I am a little better and the other part so anyone going through the same knows they’re not alone.

So have those conversations, talk about your mental health. It’s important, its cathartic, it’s necessary. It could help unlock something, of whatever magnitude, that you have to offer the world..

 Lemonade has opened my eyes, asked the hard questions that I’d never really thought about. Or perhaps more tried to push to the back of my mind? And scariest of all? Made me realise maybe I’m not as in touch with my emotions as I think.

There is always more work to be done.

So may the journey continue.